Perfectionism: A Blessing and a Curse

This silly little Tweet pasted below, typos and all, spoke to me. So while the baby napped, I posted it nonchalantly on my Instagram story. Little did I know this message would resonate with so many of my fellow Instagrammers and become the most responded to post I’ve ever posted on social media. Since this note by Rachel Simmons struck such a chord, I felt inspired to investigate why.

I began pondering possible reasons as to why this Tweet must have resonated with so many. As I dug deeper, I decided to reach out for some help. My childhood friend turned teenage friend turned adult friend, Sarah Oremland, felt like a great person to interview. Sarah is a licensed social worker and now business psychologist. Her current position is in leadership development coaching. She works with business leaders in a corporate setting to create better and more functional teams. When I posted Simmons’ Tweet, she responded that yes, it resonated with her as well… and so I asked her to weigh in on the matter with her extensive professional expertise.

“What resonates with me is that I was so this person,” remarked Oremland. “Even introductions where we would have to go around the room saying our name and something about ourselves would make me the utmost nervous. I would start to rehearse in my head. And the reading thing- I was always afraid I’d ‘mess up’ reading or not know a word and look stupid.”

Many can probably relate to Oremland’s fears, as I don’t believe she and I are alone in saying there is nothing worse than a name-game ice breaker. The crushing pressure of coming up with an animal that starts with the first letter of your name? And then don’t forget your backup animal, just in case Susan steals yours! But in all seriousness, this performance anxiety is real.

The teaching strategy described in the Tweet, referred to as “round robin reading,” has largely gone out of style. The whole premise seems designed to put children on the spot—a little reading pop quiz, if you will. Round robin reading relies on a predictable order. Students alternate, each taking turns. This differs from “popcorn reading,” which is more random in nature. With popcorn style reading, the teacher will randomly call on someone to read the next passage. This wouldn’t give any time to prepare or plan.

This Tweet suggests that with round robin reading, after a student figured out their designated reading section, they’d have a desire to quietly practice before reading out loud in front of the class. This hints at a child’s need to prepare and perfect, which isn’t all bad or worrisome. It only becomes problematic when the fear of being caught unawares or ill prepared looms so large the child is unable to focus on what is being read by their peers, before their turn begins. This overwhelming and all consuming desire to be rehearsed and polished at all times, no matter how “casual” the exercise is intended to be, well, what is truly at the heart of this?

“I think for those of us who can relate to this excerpt,” continued Oremland, “we were somehow taught or [it was] insinuated at an early age that looking incompetent was such a bad thing, which leaves us no room for mistakes or more open learning. Kids relate so much of their self worth to feeling like they are up to par with peers.”

Why are kids so afraid to “fail” in front of their peers? And how do we effectively show children there is no true learning without failure? The educational system undoubtably has a role to play here. How can teachers help students see that to make mistakes is in fact a good thing?

When a teacher sees a child struggling to pronounce a word, this is an opportunity. An opportunity to intervene with praise. I love how Student A is working to figure out how to pronounce this tricky new word. That takes courage! We rely on the teacher in these interactions to encourage imperfection. We rely on the teacher to remind the class that if you don’t know a word, it simply means you’re learning and growing. It’s okay not to know! It’s okay to need help with pronunciation. An understanding teacher makes it acceptable to err. This in turn allows students to model the hard work of sounding out and reading aloud to their peers. This modeling makes it more likely for other students to take similar risks.

In examining the responses of Instagram followers who agreed with this posted Tweet, I was immediately struck by who specifically responded. All were women. All were monetarily successful and independent, functioning members of society. This made me wonder, does this type of performance anxiety in fact improve professional outcomes? It seems that desire and the need to prepare can actually be beneficial when harnessed appropriately. How do we differentiate between healthy and unhealthy anxiety?

I asked Oremland what she thought about this notion. Her response? “I think of anxiety (my own) as a strength until it’s overused and becomes a derail-er. So for example, my anxiety has played into my achievement orientation and drive but when it goes too far- it can veer into perfectionist tendencies.”

She had a powerful point. Have we in fact unlocked the key to success? In essence, is professional success created by the ability to harness anxiety? Controlling the beast before it leads us too far off course.

I had one more question for Oremland. What did she make of the fact that only women were reaching out in support and agreement of this Tweet?

“I don’t think this is just women actually. I think we [women] are more open to talking about or feeling anxiety, but I bet that many boys and men experience this same thing.”

Well, what do you know, I live with a man, and so I decided to ask him. My husband, high achiever and perfectionist Martin Heffner, an assistant principal on Chicago’s North Shore is a bit of a worrier, so I figured… who better to ask than him?

“Yes, I 100% did that,” was his response. “I used to silently count the paragraphs to figure out which one I’d have to read and then I’d whisper-practice in my head. I didn’t hear anything anyone else was saying.”

So there you have it. Oremland was right! It’s not just women who struggle with the burdens of perfectionism. It’s everyone.

Final thoughts? Striking an appropriate balance in the classroom is key. Teachers must examine what skill they’re attempting to evaluate when it comes to their students and give ample opportunities to assess both. If teachers are looking to give students the opportunity to practice a skill, it’s vital that kids have the time and resources to plan and prepare. If teachers are looking to see how students respond to a quick challenge, such as understanding a kid’s ability to decode a word, then it’s up to the teacher to create a nurturing and supportive environment where kids feel okay making mistakes. It’s a fine balance, but a balance worth exploring.

What do you think? Did you struggle with this type of classroom activity? Let us know in the comments.

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Also, thank you to those who have decided to make the leap and become paid subscribers. I am humbled and honored. It’s not too late to join.

And thanks Sarah! And Martin!