Nothing Is Permanent
July 12th is my birthday.
And I was doing fine with the idea of turning 40. It felt stately and quite literally age appropriate.
Forty is young, I kept telling everyone who asked how I was feeling. Hollywood makes it out to be ancient, but actually it’s not even old! I feel awesome and healthy. I’m even running [ok jogging] again!
But truthfully, 40 is not that young. This is midlife. And as I write these words, I’m tearing up. Because life, my life, is beautiful. And I don’t want to be on the other side, more towards the end of it. This birthday marks something big.
I’ve been afraid to write into this feeling; I’ve avoided facing the bitter wind. All the while knowing that the path of least resistance doesn’t work.
You can’t go around this stuff; you have to go through it. That means staring mortality down and refusing to look away.
Each birthday, I’ve embraced growing older. But it was easier before. It never held much meaning. Older is nothing. It’s just another number or year. Well, not anymore. This is- dare I say? Old?
I can feel my elders rolling their eyes while reading this. Just wait, you scoff.
But hold on, you. Stop for a minute. Did you struggle too? Did it knock the wind out of you a bit? This feeling of impermanence.
I’m not a particularly religious person. Spiritual, absolutely, or I aspire to be. And encountering the deaths of my loved ones has helped me understand and make peace with the end. But the idea is still so scary! Actually, I’m terrified. The first piece I ever wrote for this newsletter explored my fear of death.
I don’t want to say goodbye to this life! To the people I love. My children. My family and friends. I’ve never even met some of these people, who I know I will miss - maybe they don’t yet exist - but I love them all the same.
I’m sobbing now. The tears keep spilling. I’m sure I’m blotchy, sitting here, a big ole’ mess on my 40th birthday.
But I’m happy, too, grateful. Because the reason I’m an emotional puddle is simple. My life is grand! Filled to the brim with love, adventure, and chances taken.
So, as always, thank you for reading and sticking with me.
Sending love to you. Seriously. I love you. So much. Thank you.
