Dysregulation & Me

Guys, not to beat a dead horse, but it’s day sixteen and I’m still off social media.

I’ve begun asking myself some questions. What was social media doing to my brain? How can I use my time differently in it’s absence?

While my first two weeks without the apps felt celebratory and novel, I was riding high on the extra time and an added sense of accomplishment, more recently I’ve found myself retraining my brain to better manage boredom, especially on days when I have less structure and more downtime, like the weekend. This extra management feels like work: a necessary but burdensome practice.

I’m realizing the extent of this addiction. Before you roll your eyes and delete this email, just know I don’t take that word lightly. I know social media isn’t a particularly harmful addiction in the grand scheme of things. It’s not going to kill me. But it’s still habit forming, and breaking that habit has left me with symptoms of withdrawal.

I would pick up my phone—I still pick up my phone—as a source of entertainment. Searching for that hit of Dopamine.

In her book Dopamine Nation, Anna Lembke, a psychiatrist at Stanford who specializes in addiction medicine notes just how addictive our smartphones really are.

Lembke states “the hypodermic needle delivers a drug right into our vascular system, which in turn delivers it right to the brain, making the drug more potent. The same is true for the smartphone; with its bright colors, flashing lights and engaging alerts, it delivers images to our visual cortex that are tough to resist. And the quantity is endless. TikTok never runs out.”

I constantly notice the urge to reach and reach and reach for my phone in a moment of downtime or even a transition between activities.

My entire life I’ve struggled to effectively manage transitions. My husband and mom joke that I’m almost unbearable when it comes to life changes, big or small. I’ve realized that I was using social media as a crutch to get me through transitions, mostly small ones throughout the day. Before I left work, I’d get on my phone and scroll. Before I began teaching, right after lunch, I’d scroll. Sometimes when I woke up in the morning. Sometimes after dinner in the evenings.

I’m trying to piece together what draws me most to a smartphone. With Instagram, I spent a lot of time on reels. I’d watch something funny a friend sent and then let the algorithm take me down a rabbit hole of similar stories. I would post something to my Instagram story, and then I would periodically check to see who’d seen it, who left a heart.

There was validation in those hearts. That people liked a story I chose to put out into the world. The validation was even more fulfilling when it was something I created, like a column, newsletter, or photograph of one of my kids.

We are social creatures. We are designed to connect with one another. Social media feeds on this. Lembke points out that “social connection has become druggified by social-media apps, making us vulnerable to compulsive overconsumption. These apps can cause the release of large amounts of dopamine into our brains' reward pathway all at once. They do that by amplifying the feel-good properties that attract humans to each other in the first place.”

I am constantly searching for that easy hit, that instant gratification and reward. It was right there, just a finger’s touch away… that is before I deleted all the apps.

Currently, I’m listening to an audiobook downloaded on my phone like someone might use a nicotine patch. If I am craving a hit of social media, I press play on my book.

Some positives to all of this, I’ve stopped bringing my phone with me everywhere I go. On Sunday, I left it at home when we went for Easter dinner. I was rewarded with a deeper connection with my family. I didn’t have my phone as an out or distraction. Lately I’ve been apt to leave my phone in my classroom when I attend meetings in a different room. I’m more easily removed from the device.

Do I miss the cute photos of your adorable kids? Yes, yes I do. But I also feel a sense of peace and liberation. Like I’m free from something stifling. And I’m adopting what Cal Newport refers to as the craftsman’s approach to tool selection. I pledge to adopt a tool only if its positive impact outweighs its negative ones. And right now, any minor benefit or positive impact cannot be justification for use.

About twenty minutes ago, I deleted the Substack app from my phone. There is a timeline feature that I would scroll periodically. By deleting the app, I can still access my newsletters via the website. I just won’t see people liking my writing in real time. I won’t read other writers’ newsletters on the app, instead I’ll read them via email.

Well, that is what’s happening over here. I was very reliant on Instagram and Facebook. It’s honestly a little gross. But I’m trying not to judge myself too harshly.

The apps were making me feel more anxious; that is why I quit social media in the first place. Which makes sense. According to Lembke’s work, I was in a state of near constant dysregulation. I’m learning to regulate again on my own. And in doing this, I am feeling another uptick in my anxiety level, while my brain is probably attempting to rewire and right itself.

Since quitting socials, I have more time for activities like this. Definite positive!

Onward and upward.